The Joke Thread

[Fauxmage]

Surprise Parties for Blondes

My naturally blonde stepmother told me this, so if she thinks its funny it shouldn't bug anyone else (I hope)! :o

Boyfriend: "Guess what, honey, today is your birthday!

Blonde girlfriend: "It is!?!

[Fauxmage]

Four ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied male stripper." Whenever he walks into a room,women say, "My God...." :D

[Oracl]

:rofl:

[Rainbow]

An ant started walking along a long strip of paper, hoping to get somewhere.
Little did the ant know she was walking along a Mobius Band in a high school Maths class!

[Fauxmage]

Poor ant!

[Peas'nHominy]

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.
"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

[Caprita]

Nice jokes everyone, especially Peas'nHominy!

Here's one of my favourites:

One day, Vlad the Impaler was running from a Turk. Not knowing where else to hide, he hid in a well. The Turk came, then he dismounted and drank some water from the well. He said out loud:
"Where could Stephen be?"
Stephen, playing the echo:
"Where could Stephen be?"

"Could he be in the forest?"
"Could he be in the forest?"

"But what if he's in the well?"
"But what if he's in the forest?"

[thevegantwins]

:lol: Cute

[Dexter]

^ hahaha @ all the jokes :)
very good

and also cute Caprita :D

[Bubbles]

"My sister just had twins, a boy and a girl"
"What's the girls name?"
"Denise"
"And the boy's?"
"Denephew"

[Caprita]

Thanks! :)

:laugh: @ Bubbles's

[Bowwowmeow]

A traveling salesman drove into a small town where a circus
was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." The
intrigued salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under
The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts
on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge
male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty
swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian
was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town,
found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read,
"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". He couldn't believe the old
guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought
a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were
placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then
suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with
three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after
the show. "You're incredible" he told the Italian, "but I have
to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were
using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "my eyes aren't what they used to be."

[Oracl]

:laugh: :rofl: :lol:

[Bowwowmeow]

Boudreaux is walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the shadows.

She whispers, "Twenty dollars."

He'd never been with a hooker before but he decides what the
hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it for a while when all of a sudden a light
flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Boudreaux says, "neither did I until you shined that
light in her face."

[Bowwowmeow]

Two mountain-bred GIs were wandering the streets of Calcutta
when a frail, old woman walked by.

"Hey, Billy Joe," one said, "I think that's Mother Teresa."

"You're nuts."

"I'm telling you."

They approached the woman and one asked, "Are you Mother
Teresa?"

The old lady eyed them scornfully. "F*ck off, you damn
perverts," she hissed striding off.

"Jeez," Billy Joe said, watching her disappear into the
crowd, "now we'll never know."

[Oracl]

:bhead: :lol:

[Bowwowmeow]

"This week President Bush hinted that his next Supreme Court
nominee would be a minority. He went on to say the nominee
would be Latino or Chineso." --Conan O'Brien
:rofl:

[Bowwowmeow]

"The FDA -- the Food and Drug Administration -- has set up a
new procedure by which new drugs will be tested and approved
in four years. It's called college." --Craig Ferguson
:lol:

[Bowwowmeow]

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, the Aussie Prime
Minister, John Howard, ardent royalist and general ass kisser,
turned to the Queen and said, "As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm
thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and
I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but to be a Kingdom,
you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

John Howard thought a while and then said, "How about a
Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you
have to be a Prince--and you're not a Prince, Mr. Howard."

Howard thought long and hard and came up with, "How about an
Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied, "Sorry
again, Mr. Howard, but to be an Empire you must have an
Emperor in charge and you are not an Emperor."

Before Howard could utter another word, The Queen said, "I
think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
:covereyes: :whistle:

[Oracl]

Excellent!! :lol: :laugh: :rofl:

[Caprita]

:lol: :laugh: :lol:

Those are great, BWM!!!

Here's the one that won me a 10 out of 10 in maths...

One day an alien came to a grocery store. He looked around and then he said:
"Excuse me ma'am, what are those?"
The saleswoman looks at him with a bit of a squint.
"They're lemons."
"Oh, I see. I'd like two kilos, but please wrap each lemon separately."
Reluctantly, she did it.
"And what would those be?" said the alien.
"Apples."
"I'd like three kilos, but each apple wrapped separately, please."
Even more reluctantly, she wrapped each apple for the alien...
"Oh, but what are those, over there?"
Steaming mad, the woman said:
"RICE, you numbskull, but it's not for sale!"

[Oracl]

:lol:

[paul]

:rofl:

:rofl:

:rock:

[dreamer]

The man I'm dating sent me this and I thought it was pretty funny:

THE BOX OF CHOCOLATES

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or
wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you
open a box of chocolates:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo
woman if she would like a ride.


With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the
journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the
Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything
she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the
seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the white bag
and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she
said: "Good trade."

[thevegantwins]

:rofl:

[Oracl]

:lol:

[Keykeypie]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the
interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down,
the breeze was blowing through what was left of his
hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw
flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to
himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90,
100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled
over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a
word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long
day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the
13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can
give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't
heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my
wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying
to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
http://img88.imageshack.us/img88/4787/carfinalux5.gif (http://imageshack.us)

[paul]

:psing: :excited: :laugh: :rock:

[Oracl]

:D

[Keykeypie]

Pied Piper...

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San
Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he
discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is
so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop
owner the price.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an
extra thousand for the story behind it."

"At that price, you can keep the story, old man," he replies,
"but I'll take the bronze rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the
bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of
the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into
step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster,
but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and
follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a
hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and
shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as
multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and
abandoned cars... following him.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the
waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run
full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing
hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the
time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve
blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it
with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco
Bay as far as he can throw it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in
amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater
into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah sir, you've come back for the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze
sculpture of a lawyer "

[Gliondrach]

:D

[Keykeypie]

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

[Bowwowmeow]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Oracl]

:lol:

[Gliondrach]

The Bush one is very funny. I'm not sure Blair would have given the right answer, though.

[Keykeypie]

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he
glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He
soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.

A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she
takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip
or vacation?".

She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual
Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

Whoa !!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next
to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer.", she says " I use my experiences to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men
are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth
is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of
Jewish descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry,"
she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name!".

"Tonto," the man says as he extends his hand. "Tonto Goldstein."

[Bowwowmeow]

:toot: :toot:

[dreamer]

I'm borrowing this one from another forum where I saw it posted--of course it helps that it makes poodles looks really smart;)
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

[Bowwowmeow]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Oracl]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Keykeypie]

The Poor Sketch
[Four old friends reminisce about growing up]
"Who would have thought thirty years ago we would all be sitting here drinking Chateau de {Chassiley?} wine, eh?"

"In them days, we were glad to have the price of a cup of tea."

"Aye, a cup of cold tea"

"Without milk or sugar"

"Or tea"

"In a filthy cracked cup."

"We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper."

"The best we could manage was a sock or a piece of damp cloth."

"But ye know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor ..."

"Because we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me 'Money doesn't buy you happiness'."

"He was right. I was happier then and I had nothing! We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof."

"House, you lived in a house? We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, and we're all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling."

"You were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in the corridor!"

"Oooooh, we used to dream of living in a corridor. It would have been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish [heap]. We got woken up every morning to having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us. House? Uh!"

"Oh, when I said house I meant a hole in the ground covered by a piece of twig. It was a house to us."

"We were evicted from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in the lake!"

"You were lucky to have a lake! There were a hundred and fifty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road."

"Cardboard box?"

"Aye"

"You were lucky. We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down the mill fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, and when we would go home, dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt."

"Look, [sherry?], we used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to work for twenty hours at the mill every day for a tuppence a month, come home, and dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle ... if we were lucky!"

"Well, we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and lick the road clean with our tongues. We had one handful of freezing cold gravel, work at the mill for twenty-four hours a day for four bits every six years, and when would get home, our dad would slice into us with a bread knife."

"Right!"

"I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down at the mill, and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah!"

"You can't tell the young people of the day that. They won't believe you."

[Chorus of no's and nays]

All credits to the Monty Python players.

[Fauxmage]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[paul]

:agree: :psing: :rofl: :laugh: :rock: :rock:

[Oracl]

One of my favourite Python sketches. :agree: :D

[dreamer]

Where do “pets” come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question, “where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know my love even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you in spite of youselves just as I do.”

And God created this new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worth adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And cat didn't give a shit.

[paul]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

so true ,thats why i love cats so much:catn: :cats:

[Oracl]

:lol: Me too!

[Bowwowmeow]

None of the cats I know are like that! They all seem to adore me. I just spent the other evening being worshipped by the most gorgeous Maine Coon cat. She made a complete fool out of herself. :smallheart:

Its humans I learn humility from. :( :o

That's a funny story, dreamer. :laugh:

[Keykeypie]

NO....I'm NOT including the link.....just thought you all could use a good laugh.....this is from an anti-AR .....very Christian, web page where we "learn" that:

"She [a vegan female] may drift into a lesbian relationship thinking her lack of arousal indicates she is gay when in reality it was caused by the deficient vegan diet." :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Bowwowmeow]

Hahahahahahaha!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
That is a funny one. I've seen similar sites, and though most of the content is obnoxious, there are a few things you really can't do anything else but laugh at.
I didn't know lesbians suffered from lack of arousal. :rolleyes: :lol:

[Keykeypie]

Hahahahahahaha!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
That is a funny one. I've seen similar sites, and though most of the content is obnoxious, there are a few things you really can't do anything else but laugh at.
I didn't know lesbians suffered from lack of arousal. :rolleyes: :lol:


Not only that....but do you know who [they claim]causes all those food recalls?

Yep....it's AR vegan terrorists sabotaging the food supply.

I'm telling you.....we are a scary bunch
:woohoo:

[Oracl]

I'm telling you.....we are a scary bunch
:woohoo:
:rock: :lol:

[Keykeypie]

http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m60/gingerlks/indoorbathroom.jpg

[paul]

:laugh:

[Oracl]

:lol: :laugh:

[dreamer]

A man goes to heaven and, as soon as he walks through the pearly gates with his guide (Saint Peter), notices what he considers an inequity: a preacher in a moderate house and a lawyer in a huge mansion.

The man looks at Saint Peter and asks, "why is the lawyer in a mansion and the preacher in a smallish house? I thought preachers would be considered more worthy than lawyers!"

Saint Peter says, "well, there are tons of preachers up here, but not many lawyers."

[paul]

:rofl: :laugh: :laugh: :rofl: :thumbsup:

[Gliondrach]

http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m60/gingerlks/indoorbathroom.jpg

:D Let's hope he doesn't cause a short circuit.

[Gliondrach]

A man goes to heaven and, as soon as he walks through the pearly gates with his guide (Saint Peter), notices what he considers an inequity: a preacher in a moderate house and a lawyer in a huge mansion.

The man looks at Saint Peter and asks, "why is the lawyer in a mansion and the preacher in a smallish house? I thought preachers would be considered more worthy than lawyers!"

Saint Peter says, "well, there are tons of preachers up here, but not many lawyers."

:D

[Oracl]

:lol:

[Keykeypie]

http://img300.imageshack.us/img300/2721/bbar6.th.jpg (http://img300.imageshack.us/my.php?image=bbar6.jpg)

Bush Senior: "Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother.
I didn't pull out in time..."

[thevegantwins]

:rofl: :lol:

[paul]

:rofl: :laugh: :agree: :D

[Oracl]

:lol: :laugh: :lol: :laugh: :lol:

[Keykeypie]

:rofl: This is from my Aussie friend Alien.....I've asked him to join us at NV so hopefully we'll be seeing more of him over here.....
http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m60/gingerlks/protein0wi.gif

[thevegantwins]

Is it a photo or cartoon? I don't see anything. :crying:

[Keykeypie]

A cartoon.....try again....it's there...honest

[paul]

i see it:rofl: :rofl:

[Fauxmage]

Haha! Some clever person posted that here (http://www.thenakedvegan.net/showthread.php?t=28) a long time ago. :whistle: ;) :o I knew it looked familiar. :agree: Not much gets past me. :rolleyes: :bhead: :D

[snaffler]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One
afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in
the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea
the pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer
resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep
it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I
haven't had the flu all winter."

Tell this to an old friend otherwise there may be a person
not smiling in the world and not knowing what to do with a condom.

[snaffler]

This one may only work for UK members as its got some slang in it...not sure so here goes.

Peter was on Duty at Heavens Gate, when he was suddenly woken from his afternoon slumber in the gatehouse by a loud clashing and banging and a right old ruckus, he got up and looked through the pearly gates and down the fluffy cloud road leading them.

In the distance he spotted a large gang of pikeys heading to the gates all with the view of looking to get in to heaven.

He ran back up the steps to god and shouted “100s of them, they are coming, 100s of them master”, “What, who, where, when” jumped god, “pikeys heading to the gates master, 100s of them” said peter.

“You have to fend them off, we do not have room for all of those Pikeys today Peter” replied god.

Peter ran as fast as he could back to the gates to see all the Pikeys shouting, yelling and shaking the gates, words like “let us in”, “open up now” were coming from the crowds.

Peter looked through the gates and focused on the head Pikey “I am sorry sir we can not let you all in today there is no the room for that many, God has spoken and that is the final word on the subject”

The head Pikey to Peters surprise turned to the rest of the Pikeys and muttered and said something to them, he turned back to Peter and said “That is OK son we will be on our way” then they all slowly turned to walk away from the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

Peter rushed back up the steps to God and shouted “they are leaving master it’s OK”.

As God began to settle again and Peter returned to his duty a load yelp of “SHIT!” came from Peters mouth, and he came running back up to God with a look of panic.

“They have gone master, they have gone” yelled Peter, looking confused God said “I know you have told me why the panic young Peter”, “No not the Pikeys Master, it’s Gates, The bastards have nicked the Gates”

[Fauxmage]

:rolleyes: :laugh:
I had to look up Pikeys before I could get it, though. :bhead:

[Charmagne]

I like the condom one!!:updn:

[Blueshark]

Kid scarred for life. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jD71eALVUVY):no:

[Fauxmage]

Aw, jeez, the poor kid. :comfort:
We've got one of those dirty trick type mazes here in the fun room. :grinningdevil:

[Oracl]

I think that video has been removed. :sigh:

I watched some cute baby sloth ones though! :)

[Fauxmage]

What did Celine Dion say when she got off the elevator?
"This place rocks!"

[Oracl]

:lol:

[Bowwowmeow]

Vegans Will Die Out Soon Due to Natural Selection

Written by politicalpop (http://www.thespoof.com/profile.cfm?uID=4032) Story written: 12 March 2007


http://www.thespoof.com/images/staronsel.gifhttp://www.thespoof.com/images/staronsel.gifhttp://www.thespoof.com/images/starhalf.gifhttp://www.thespoof.com/images/staroffsel.gifhttp://www.thespoof.com/images/staroffsel.gif http://www.thespoof.com/images/sendto.gif (http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s5i16071#this) Email this story (http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s5i16071#this) http://www.thespoof.com/images/print.gif (http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s5i16071#this) Print this story (http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s5i16071#this)


http://www.thespoof.com/sitepics/pdi/11107-3539Research.jpg
Natural selection is
very clever but not as
clever as the scientists


Researchers analysing a fossilized toilet claim to have uncovered the first direct evidence that modern day vegans will die out through natural selection any time now. Let's face it, nature is red in tooth and claw, and just 7000 years ago, anyone who refused to digest milk, died out. Nowadays more than 90% of the European white population digest milk proving once and for all that natural selection leads to white supremacy.

White Europeans incurred a rapid change in genetic make-up because we hold an evolutionary advantage to be able to digest white milk, says John Thomas at University College London in the UK.

90% of northern Europeans have a version of the superior white lactase gene that remains active throughout life, enabling us to continue drinking milk as adults thus forcing vegans to run for it.

To determine when this superior lactose tolerance evolved in Germany, 'Dick' Thomas's team analysed the DNA from some old bones belonging to eight Neolithic Germans. After extracting the DNA from the dead Germans, they identified the lactase gene. He believes that the lactose tolerance spontaneously arose in Europe within the past 7000 years and quickly spread to the US, South Africa, anywhere the white man dominated through natural selection.

The ability to digest milk would lead to superior white people living thousands of years ago. Milk from cows is white making it safer to drink than stream water which isn't. It is also available all year long, unlike vegetables.

The ability to decipher genes from fossils is a supreme feat of natural selection in itself with only the biggest brains being able to do it, says Randy Redclaw at the University of Illinois. Redclaw also believes that he personally is the greatest example of direct evidence for recent natural selection leading to superior humans.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious (http://www.thespoof.com/about/disclaimer.cfm).
If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing,
click here to join (http://www.thespoof.com/register.cfm)!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
I'm having visions of Adolph Hitler sporting a milk mustache!

[Oracl]

:laugh: :rofl: :laugh:

[Oracl]

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said:

"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for
Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and said:

"Excellent trade, sir."

:pface: :pface:

[Charmagne]

:rofl: :rofl: Definately a trade up!

[Bowwowmeow]

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? :boil:





















They taste funny.

[paul]

:hbang: :hbang: :hbang:

[Bowwowmeow]

:hbang: :hbang: :hbang:
Didn't you get the right answer paul?

[paul]

I got the right answer i didnt find the joke funny, only because i knew the answer, sorry.:zip: :dark:

Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

[thevegantwins]

Why did the Tomato go out with a prune? :tomato:






















-Because he couldn't find a date!

[Bowwowmeow]

:laugh:
I like the corny ones. :o

[Oracl]

I just received this email from a friend: :rolleyes:

Subject: I hate those hoax warnings, but this one is important!

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, do not show him your bum.

This is a scam. He only wants to see your bum.

I wish I'd got this warning yesterday.

I feel so stupid........and cheap.

:wigglebutt:

[Bowwowmeow]

Oh, tell me you didn't fall for it Oracl!!! Say it ain't so!!! :mdrama: :faint: :D

[paul]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Oracl]

Oh, tell me you didn't fall for it Oracl!!! Say it ain't so!!! :mdrama: :faint: :D
Of course not! :whistle: :o

[Bowwowmeow]

Yeeeeaaaah, you were probably already doing your naked vegan thing at the computer when the doorbell rang. You can't fool us. :cool: ;) :wigglebutt:

[Oracl]

:crying: OMG, how did you know? :wigglebutt:

[Bowwowmeow]

I'm psychic, remember? :meditate:

[Gliondrach]

This is guaranteed to make you laugh. This chap has a way of dealing with telemarketers who 'phone him up.

http://www.workwinners.com/telemarketer/


If that doesn't work - but it will, in yah oo, even without the h and w bit - try:
youtube.com/watch?v=un_PjRXV5l8

[Oracl]

This is guaranteed to make you laugh.
It did! :laugh:

It worked in Goooooooogle for me! :nahnah: :D

[Gliondrach]

I was sent these anagrams.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[Phoenix]

With apologies to atheists, Christians, bears & bear lovers. :o

Turning to look, the atheist saw a 13-foot Kodiak Brown Bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path, but when he looked over his shoulder he saw that the bear was rapidly closing in on him. Somehow the man ran even faster, so scared that tears came into his eyes.

He looked again and the bear was even closer.

His heart pounding in his chest, he tied to run faster yet – but alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear appeared right over him, reaching out its left paw and raising its right paw to strike.

The man yelled out, “Oh my God!”

Time stopped … the bear froze … the forest was silent … even the river stopped flowing.

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around. God spoke. “You deny My existence for all these years; teach others that I don’t exist and even credit creation to some cosmic accident! Do you really expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you now as a believer?”

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to ask to be a Christian after all these years … but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?”

“Very well”, said God.

The light went out … the river flowed again … the sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive. Amen.”

[Oracl]

:laugh:

[Gliondrach]

:D

[Bowwowmeow]

:lol:

[Oracl]

A CONTRIBUTION FROM TAILS4WAGGING!

(Posted for her by me. :curtsey: )

Subject: British Humour

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese - British comedian:

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice
of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy).


Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded.


A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

------------------------

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

-------------------

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun.

----------------------

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.

--------------------

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the
greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are
also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands
will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
cheese grater.

---------------------

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South
Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

---------------------

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you
face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).

---------------

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God save the Queen.

[Gliondrach]

:D

But I must protest about the reference to metrication. WE should reninstate proper weights and measures. Why should we have given in to the ideas of Napolean and Hitler after they were soundly beaten all those years ago?

And, American rugby (what they call football) probably is a bit rougher than proper rubgy League or Union - as they are allowed more dangerous tackles. But they do look like comical oafs in all that gear.

[thevegantwins]

:laugh:

I also disagree with chips needing to be fried in animal fat. A proper chip just needs to be thick-cut, preferably organic and cooked in hot oil then seasoned with salt and malt vinegar. :yum:

[Gliondrach]

Quite right. It's still funny, though, isn't it?

[thevegantwins]

Absolutely.

[Gliondrach]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
Another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the
Middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why
the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a
'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once
we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off , and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch
this." He told Sniffer to "search."

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
Purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and
put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I' m making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed
about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this
time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police."

I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and
Proceeded to poop.

The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent,
"What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

[Oracl]

:poop: :rofl:

[Gliondrach]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £200 to drop that
towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £200 and
leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £200 he owes
me?'

[Oracl]

:laugh:

[Tails4wagging]

A man rang the local newpaper to place an obituary for his recently deceased wife. He only had a pound and could only afford 3 words. He wrote "Margaret is dead" the clerk felt sorry for him so he gave him another 3 words for nothing. He wrote " margaret is dead, fiesta for sale". :)

[Oracl]

:D

[Gliondrach]

:D: :gingerbrdhouse:

[Bowwowmeow]

Willy, Billy, and Joe were out on a boat in a lake, and suddenly Jesus appeared. He walked across the water and got in the boat.

Willy said "Jesus, My back's been bad ever since I took shrapnel in it during the last war. Can you help me?"
So Jesus smiled, put his hands on Willy's back, and said "Be healed", and Willy stood up straight with no pain or stiffness.

Billy, who had really thick coke bottle lenses on, said "Jesus, I have a pretty hard time reading and driving with my bad eyes, can you help me?"
So Jesus took off Billy's glasses, threw them in the water, and when they hit the surface, Billy's eyes cleared up and he had perfect vision.

Jesus then turned to Joe, who stood up with his arms outstretched and cried "Don't come near me! I'm on permanent disability!"

[Gliondrach]

:D

[Oracl]

:laugh:

[Bowwowmeow]

From Tails!

[Oracl]

:lol:

[Gliondrach]

It even looks like Tony Blair.

[Oracl]

:laugh:

[Gliondrach]

:D :beanie:

[Oracl]

:crazy: :drool: :crazier: :rofl:

[Fauxmage]

Question: What do you call the useless piece of skin found at the end of a penis?


Answer: A man.

[Gliondrach]

Question: What do you call the useless piece of skin found at the end of a penis?


Answer: A man.

:rolleyes:

[Gliondrach]

Two young blokes are talking in the pub.

The first one said that no matter which girl friend he took home his mother always threw them out. 'It doesn't matter if they are fat or thin, tall or short, dark haired or fair,' she always throws them out of the house.

Then he said: So I decided to find a girl my mother would like, so I took home one who looked a bit like my mother, sounded a bit like her and had the same hairstyle.'

His friend said: 'What happened?'

The first one said: 'My dad threw her out.'

[Gliondrach]

Fuzzy told me this one. It is very popular in certain circles:


A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.


One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.


Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'


The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'

[Ayashi Foxtail]

*chokes* rofl

[nagev]

So a termite with bad teeth walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"






I think it is better when told than written down. I find much humor in double meanings. Although I've been told I have a dry sense of humor and when I taught classes and labs, students when look at me with confused looks or simply blank stares until I would state "That was a joke." Then they would laugh. Hopefully it was more laughing at the joke than laughing at my attempts at humor.

[Gliondrach]

So a termite with bad teeth walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"



:D

Yes, there is much humour in double meanings.

[nagev]

Did you hear the one about the horse who walked into a bar?

[Gliondrach]

And the barman said: Why the long face?

No, I haven't heard that one. :no:

[nagev]

What about the three strings who went into the bar?

[nagev]

Huh. So I didn't see a general humor thread, and this is still kind of a joke, so I will put it here.

I see that the site's newest member is Eternity and I was wondering when that person will post. So I guess I've been waiting for an Eternity to post...







It made me chuckle. Unfortunately it reminds me of some of my father's really terrible jokes. Where I groan, but maybe it's because he continues with them rather than stopping at one. I'm not sure.

[Gliondrach]

You haven't been waiting for an Eternity to post. :no: You've been waiting for THE Eternity to post. There can only be one Eternity here. :agree:
But it was very witty all the same.

What about the three strings who went into the bar?

Well, what about them? I haven't heard it before.

[nagev]

Yes, you are correct, THE Eternity, not 'an.' :)

So these three strings went into a bar. The bartender saw them and yelled "HEY, we don't server YOUR kind here! Out with you, no strings allowed here!" And he proceeded to kick them out and he pointed to the sign stated "No strings allowed."

Distraught the strings wandered about outside for a moment, until one of the strings got a great idea. It grabbed its ends and tied them up, then splayed the strands of one end out. Proudly it walked back into the bar.

The bartender saw it and gave him the squinty eye and stated "Hey, aren't you one of those strings I just kicked out?"

The string stated "No, I'm a frayed knot."



It sounds better telling it. ("No, I'm afraid not.")

:)

[Gliondrach]

Another good one. :D

But isn't a knot a bird? How did some string turn into a bird? It's confusing.

[nagev]

Knot bird? Are you attempting to play off another meaning?

[Gliondrach]

No, just mentioning the knot.

[nagev]

I think I'm all out of jokes. I have a short term memory when it comes to jokes. :)

[Gliondrach]

Obama asked the Queen of Britain how she was able to run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please
send the Prime Minister in here, would you?"

David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, ma'am?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who
is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a
child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! you idiot! It's David Cameron!"

[Bowwowmeow]

:D

[Gliondrach]

An old Yorkshireman remembers when money went further.


'When ah were a lad, me mam would send me down t'corner shop wi' a shillin', and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' spuds, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a turkey, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now.







Too many blooming security cameras.'

[Bowwowmeow]

Google tries to crack wise:

http://lh3.ggpht.com/_M8aAcoQrumc/TUmb7WY4ugI/AAAAAAAACFg/wyScmokBnhA/s640/Very%20funny.png

:rolleyes:

[manzana]

At least it was short. :reading:

[Bowwowmeow]

Posting this here because it's just gotta be a joke. Just gotta be...

China Bans Reincarnation Without Government Permission

MSNBC:
In one of history's more absurd acts of totalitarianism, China has banned Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without government permission. According to a statement issued by the State Administration for Religious Affairs, the law, which goes into effect next month and strictly stipulates the procedures by which one is to reincarnate, is "an important move to institutionalize management of reincarnation."

But beyond the irony lies China's true motive: to cut off the influence of the Dalai Lama, Tibet's exiled spiritual and political leader, and to quell the region's Buddhist religious establishment more than 50 years after China invaded the small Himalayan country. By barring any Buddhist monk living outside China from seeking reincarnation, the law effectively gives Chinese authorities the power to choose the next Dalai Lama, whose soul, by tradition, is reborn as a new human to continue the work of relieving suffering.

At 72, the Dalai Lama, who has lived in India since 1959, is beginning to plan his succession, saying that he refuses to be reborn in Tibet so long as it's under Chinese control. Assuming he's able to master the feat of controlling his rebirth, as Dalai Lamas supposedly have for the last 600 years, the situation is shaping up in which there could be two Dalai Lamas: one picked by the Chinese government, the other by Buddhist monks.

"It will be a very hot issue," says Paul Harrison, a Buddhism scholar at Stanford. "The Dalai Lama has been the prime symbol of unity and national identity in Tibet, and so it's quite likely the battle for his incarnation will be a lot more important than the others."

Read the whole story: MSNBC (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2007/08/22/china-bans-reincarnation-_n_61444.html?ref=fb&src=sp)

[manzana]

And what's the point of being a Buddhism scholar at Stanford? :professor:

[Gliondrach]

I don't think the Tibetans will accept a Chinese-sponsored Dalai Lama.

[KRITER]

I seen this in Veg news.
Animals in many ways are beter then people.A dog can lick his privits and yet not feel the need to post it on YouTube.
Carol Leifer said this.Shes does stand up comedy.
(Iv never seen YouTube becuz this computer wont let me. Im asuming folks post alot of stuff about themselfs.)

[Gliondrach]

:D True about dogs being better.

Yes, you get some strange stuff on you tube.

[Gliondrach]

Just discovered: Adolf's first photograph.

[Fauxmage]

:lol:

Analysis of the picture below can tell us a lot about how different people think.

- For young men, it's a picture of a lady with a nice bum but only the most observant will notice that she is crossing a street.
- The really observant will notice that she is wearing a thong.
- For older men, she appears to be a respectable woman - with a nice bum - on her way to work.
- The perverts among them will imagine her naked.
- Wiser men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer to take the shot in the face of such beauty and be grateful that they shared it with humanity.

- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.
- The other half will think she is a slut but wonder where she bought that blouse.
- Older women will imagine the misery that the woman's bum will cause by the time she reaches 50.




https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-VN5WuI-P9dk/TuhblvUHoFI/AAAAAAAAAuw/l9IofQLl8pw/s512/11%252520-%2525201.jpg





























































- But only children, the extremely intelligent and the celibate will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog.

[Gliondrach]

:D

I was wondering what she was carrying in her bag and if there were things she'd need to survive a catastrophe.